The Abyss

Laying awake again in the silent of night, you approach the edge. It’s the greatest place to “fall” into the shadows, into the night…black. Your abyss of the heart is a never ending depth of regret, remorse, and “what if I would haves.” You are the only one who knows the depth. Searching the feeling and sorting the emotions, you’re reminded of past missed adventures. The broken heart of a friend’s now ex-wife is a wish of someone you could have loved. Never spoken of before and never spoken again, the secret is just a half-faded memory of a young girl you once kissed. Dreams of a musician are an instrument never learned. Photography is a picture never taken.  And children are something you never had. So what’s the point? What great achievement have you accomplished? A bunch of “never really tried” has followed you in life, leaving a trail of wishful thinking. What good is any of that? Where do you find the piece of the puzzle called confidence. Where is the happiness? Did fulfillment make a left turn in life but you still consider yourself on the straight and narrow path toward a destiny you don’t even understand?

Life is not all bad. Jobs have changed but there is a little security. Step- children have produced grandkids. You have two dogs and a wife who loves you. Summer fun is growing a garden, and relaxing is called pulling the weeds. Much like your life. You work and toil at growing the heart and pursuing purpose, but the weeds, the weeds are never ending.

And back again to the abyss.

Reflection of a life you will never have is the big rock someone tossed into the lake. The once clear, calm waters of a white picket fence dream, are now a wave of distorted muddy ripples. It was your own decisions. In youth, stupidity reigned strong. Generation 20-something knows it all; 30’s were a blurred decision created by reactions and not much thinking; 40’s is spelled f-a-i-l-u-r-e-s. Pain and suffering were a pretty good friend and self pity came to the party. We drank and smoked dope like the days of one’s youth. And we bought a motorcycle, proving to all we are still cool.

Almost a bullet, after the complete collapse of your dreams were shattered by the economy. The pressures of foreclosure were almost too much. But you made it, you’re stronger. You never loaded the gun or pulled the trigger. Close call. Some might think it was for attention, your near approach of death. Your damn right it was! Where the hell was God? On vacation, as I was being pushed closer and closer to the edge?

In the end, I did live. I am thankful for the miracle of a giving neighbor. His “gift,” yes, I said it correctly…12 thousand-something bills to my bank and I was able to keep my home. God showed up after all, just in time.

But the abyss…. It never goes away, is never fulfilled, and life is still a search. I could probably find it if I knew what exactly it was I am looking for. Once I called it “the hole of divorce,” blaming dad for not being around and mother for not allowing him more access. Then it was “I need more toys to be happy.” Church, church, let’s all sing at church. Great memories of lifetime friends, but still searching. Writing helps, writing is a part of the answer. It makes me think just as much as reading.

I can’t find it. I can’t identify or elaborate on the depth, height, and width of this internal consuming drain. But in all of this, all the dreams of mis-guarded and broken hopes, the great hole of this mankind, I can see a white dove. I see repentance and the lifting of guilt. Tears healing, heart pounding, life eternal. I am walking toward and reaching the place of experiencing “His love.” The satisfaction of finding an anointed path provided for my feet to walk upon. He has become a mountain range I can walk  into. He is a mountain that has shaken all of my dreams. A mountain of solid rock. I hike into the height and can climb forever. I have tried all I want to try, sinned with all my heart, and have returned to Him.

Jesus Christ.