Today’s discovery is telling a lie to my soul and convincing myself I am truthful. Who am I as I walk among men? I wonder, is the educated man more intelligent than the man who follows his heart? Or is the quite man, a man with a loud voice, who has learned to temper the volume? I have a hidden truth that I lie to myself about, and each day I walk down the path to no mans land. So again, who am I as I walk among men?
Some call me transparent yet I have mastered the mask so those looking can see right through me, yet never see who I am. They think they know me because I can share from my soul with open ease. I tell them words of honesty, words of truth that agree with the great book. I walk a strait path but I always have one foot in the shadows.
My question remains. Am I a soul filled with light that has hidden himself in a dark room, or am I a dark man who has stumbled into the light? I walk as a mirror reflecting the glare of the choices I make. Some to the lost part of my dignity that is hidden and other, the bright of my light and I call it hope.
What a war, what a situation, what a drama. I challenge my mind to think on things above, and I have opened my heart to purpose. But the darkness of my lurking is a distraction, from the destiny I wish I could offer my soul. Who is this crazy of darkness I see? Am I a man among men who is lost? Who is found? Am I chosen?
Why would a great God select the feeble? Why would He chose the sinful? Why would He give dreams to sinners then lay in a course towards a reward if they follow his direction? Yet the life of each death is wasted with a decision to turn from light and run.
Sometime I drink from a dirty well and then expect to filter the holy. Sometimes I drink at a righteous tavern and the glass is filled with consecrated red wine. The contrast of a dirty glass than can bear pure water is the confusion I live with, with each forgiveness I ask for. I say I will drink to that, and then vomit. I find it hard to drink pure water, and harder to hold it down. But the brandy of a drunk sailor says the truth and the influence of an unbridled tongue often let things slip from the lips, and proves to be truthful. Are we all fools?
The only way I can be the man of my hope is to follow a plan I must dream. I wish I may I wish I might and I wish I had the strength. I must exercise the muscles of choice. The dream of something bigger is a mindset. The chances of a life time are a step in a direction. Who can say, is today the day I die and drift. Who can say today is the day I decide to be free and unlock my chains of captivity.
What addictions have you found and have you shared them with friends? Are you too afraid to be honest? Are you to afraid to look at the chooses you make. What an ugly I see in the mirror, on a sunny day, in a field of green grass, next to a brook of eternal fire. I once picked roses to enjoy the thorns. I once sung songs out of tune. I once danced in the rain in hopes of lightning. Perhaps I enjoy pain. Gardens grow weeds and thistles and I have learned about life. My claims to freedom are lost in my mind and I can’t escape my own wrong thinking. Shall we dance with sorrow and sing with screams? I rage at my self with an angry so loud I am deaf to hear my own soul. I wonder if God listening?
I can’t find the road or a path or any f#&%$ direction. I am lost again in a dark place, trapped again in the blackness of my hope. I live ashamed of myself, but I refuse fear, I refuse to carry around the baggage of rotted decisions. When will I learn, when will I change, if ever? I have prayed my last forgiveness, I have asked for my last dream. From this point forward I must conjure up the most stubborn of my nature. In this great hope I am free.
My life has chosen a new direction. One full of dreams and less drama. I will react by choosing the right path and with a trip and a stumble and a try. I will succeed. Because I have changed, because I have focused and I have dreamed of a life I can have. I will dream.