Once again I found myself sitting in a room filled with the educated, yet I remain as quiet as a church mouse. At times there was eye contact and the expression of the faces from across the room was a question of ” Am I going to join in on the conversation?” But my silence said no. I just sat there most of the time with my hand on my chin and my index finger across my lips as if I was using it like a zip lock seal. In truth I was masking my uncomfortable, and doing my best to hide the feelings called dumb. I am not them!
I listened with the purpose of learning, dripping wetter than sponge. As the room filled with historical banter and facts, I wanted to contribute but was not able. Except for a quick one liner joke to express to my peers “Yes I am still alive.” I read two short pieces I had written and received what I expected for a review. My entire heart wanted to withdrawl from the room but my self challenge was brave. Growing pains. The entire event bothered me to the point of rising out of bed at 3:29 AM to write this short articular and express my feelings.
My inside churned with a sad kind of angry. I bullied myself with a “your not good enough” and continued to beat myself to a pulp with my personal reminders of everything I am not. My big educational accomplishment is a GED. No college, or even text school, hell I even had to use Google to look up the spelling of the word coledge. Go ahead and laugh, I think its funny.
You have to understand I went to the school of life. And with a rage and a scream, with a tenacity of I will never quit, I am in combat pushing forward as I war against my own insecurities. I have learned that being me is the most fearlesst way I can give to the world around me. Life is not about comparing each others strength and weaknesses, life is not about being smarter, or richer than the Jones sitting across the room from you. If you think it is then maybe you about to be humbled.
Life, what is life about? For myself I am in a season I enjoy more than I ever have. I am a single flower in bloom within the huge world called the botanical gardens. I live life to my best each day and work at bettering myself as I sit with friends around me who see my sincerity as a value I add to their life. I have wealthy friend who out of kindness share with me adventures, gifts, and love. I have friends who are teachers and writers, and I have friends who have done the type of things the world shames.
My gold nugget and the words that bring tears to my eyes was listening to a voice of a new friend that said the piece I had wrote would make a great devotional. Well holy wow, excuse my tears for the moment and let me say thank you! And there it is, a seed of life that was given to me to share with others called love. Sometime we don’t understand the struggle, but keep going, keep trying even if you feel afraid and insecure. Keep climbing the mountains to see what on the other side, grow as a person and keep walking.