Sometimes it feels as if life is the great rip within my soul. I wake in the early morning and experience love and pain, turmoil and hope. Yet the battle is won by whatever emotion I focus on the most. On this day the victor goes towards lonely, a sad lonely with old scars across his back from the pains of lost dreams, and the feeling of self doubt. All I want some mornings is to feel loved, and I am troubled so deep within that I groan in a way that only a true God could ever understand.
I want my life to matter, and I want my dreams to come true, but in the end my bad habits take the stage and I am lost in my own decisions. I can’t find my hope, I can’t find my way. Why is life so hard? Why do the bad feelings always win? Why am I expected to be this brave man who fights the good fight, and is not afraid of his own demons. My demons hide in plain sight and attack whenever I start to feel happy.
My voice is a screaming loudly, but the ones I want to hear me are deaf. My heart reaches for a love that is behind an iron gate and a stone wall, and my mind can’t figure out how to open the door. I have this giant ring of keys that has become so heavy I can barely lift them to try and use the individual ones to unlock the place I wish I could enter. Why do I try so hard? Why do I care? I wish I could really vent and type the message in my mind but it would leave such wounds behind and the aftermath would create hostility.
So whats the plan to survive this emotional outburst? IDFK. I shake it off as if it was some type of parasite and I get busy taking small steps. I turn the rage and adrenaline into action and I exercise my ability to move forward. I rage against my own selfishness and I give from the deepest place in my heart to whoever I come in contact with who has the look in there eyes that says “help me” Oh the tears of the wounded shall be wiped away with a hope from a stranger, the emotions of the roller coasted shall come to an end when the ride stops and has completed it’s course around the same mountain. Giving is the secret to success, and loving is the way to undermine the pattern of self destruction. Today I will love humanity with all it’s flaws and I will sow, so someday in my future I will reap a harvest of love.